Rough times, good times.

I knew that Friday night might be a long one, and it was.

Saturday morning I wake up sober, hangover free, but feeling less than refreshed.

I choose a quiet day, just potter about, play computer games, walk the dog.

Saturday night I’m feeling tired, but struggle to drop off.

Sunday I wake up gritty eyed but I’m on day 3 now and when I feel cravings coming on I try and find something to take my mind off them, more gaming, walk the dog, read.

Monday, work, plenty to keep me occupied through the day, but it’s a struggle after another poor night’s sleep.

I feel the resolve eroding as the cravings ramp up.

I get a text message for a one-to-one chat on the coming Thursday with the addiction service. That stiffens the spine somewhat and Monday night, blessed sleep, I drop  off quickly and wake up Tuesday feeling much better.

After a good nights sleep the cravings are easier to deal with and I get through the days until the Thursday meeting more comfortably.

I enter the addiction service office with some trepidation. My anxiety is up, I’m nervous.

I tell myself the person I’m going to be talking to is a professional, they will have heard everything I’m likely to tell them and more.

The dude that comes out to reception is about half my age with a face that’s been lived in.

We go into a meeting room and sit down. He introduces himself and explains he’s a volunteer counsellor who is 6 years into his own recovery from alcohol and other substances. Can I tell him my story?

I’m immediately at ease. I explain my journey into dependence, my struggles with trying and consistently failing to moderate that eventually leads to the realisation I need to stop drinking and I can’t do it alone.

I try not to hide anything. Just like the nurse, he needs as full a picture of where I came from, how I became dependent and how I became aware I have an issue with dependence.

When was the last time I had a drink. I’m just a bit chuffed (Chuffed* – moderately proud in an understated and quiet sort of way) it’s been a week to the day, last Thursday night and nothing since.

He congratulates me and tells me I should be proud of the achievement. I feel lifted. I just might make this stick.

Would I be willing to attend AA, Alcoholics Anonymous.

I don’t have a problem with AA, per se, as an organisation and one of the oldest established support groups they have helped and continue to help millions, and more power to them for that going forward. But at the same time, I don’t see that as the route for my journey. I can’t explain why I’m uncomfortable, maybe it’s because I struggle with the label “Alcoholic” and all the negative connotations. I can live with substance dependence, alcohol dependence, sounds less negative, less pejorative.

He’s cool with this and offers instead a weekly meeting run by the NHS addiction service. 6 weeks meeting on Fridays at 1pm.

I know my manager has got my back on this and that I can use my lunch hour with a little flex to make these meetings.

The next meeting is in 8 days.

I’m set.

The first and second meetings go well, but there’s stumbling blocks on the horizon for all of the attendees.

Some, like me, have stopped and don’t intend to restart drinking. There’s a common acceptance that anything could happen and none of us are saying “forever”, we’re all early days and the wagon is a difficult balancing act, hard to stay on.

Others are trying to control, cut down or maintain moderate levels of consumption. Their choice, their journey and I hope they succeed.

The stumbling block is the upcoming holiday season. It will be Christmas in less than a week and no meetings for 2 weeks around Christmas and New Year.

I’ve also got another challenge before then.

My wife wants to go see a band at a local social club. There will be a bar and lots of people. I don’t want to let her down, but I’ve also not told her about this journey I’ve started.

The gig is reasonably easy to deal with. I make myself designated driver and will stick to non-alcoholic drinks.

Christmas, is less easy. It’s been a big drinking day for me for many years, starting with Buck Fizz at about 10am, followed with wine while I cook the Christmas Roast, maybe a glass of port afterwards, followed by steady wine drinking until bedtime.

Most Christmas Days got hazy by the time of the Queens Speech, about 3pm. The haze becomes blank after 7pm

Boxing days start later but the hangover is easily cured with some sherry, port or more wine and follows the Christmas day pattern.

I need a plan because the usual is simply not an option.

I buy a case of Gunness Zero and another of Heinekin Zero.

On the big days themselves I keep busy cooking the dinners. Christmas day its just me and my wife, Boxing Day 26 December, we have my stepson and his partner over for a second Christmas dinner.

I get through both days without struggling and its great being able to remember everything of both days.

27^th I hit a brick wall.

By now I’ve told my wife that I’m trying to quit drinking and why. She was brilliant, accepting and supportive.

On this day she notices I’m restless, pacing, agitated and asks what’s happening.

I’m struggling with massive cravings and urges to drink and right at the point she’s asking I don’t know why. I explain this and that I’ll deal with it and it’ll be fine, but it is also a struggle. She gives me a massive hug and tells me how proud she is.

Perfect boost.

It takes me a few hours before the penny drops.

Alcohol was my crutch, social lubricant, means of celebration for the good things and commiseration for the bad. It was also my reward, done a good thing? got a promotion? Succeeded at something?

Drink!

I’ve just the last couple of days had massive success of not drinking, as I’d promised myself, on the 2 days I would normally and absolutely drop all pretence and just go for it morning through to night, and I got through them with very little issue because I’d planned and prepared in advance.

Now I want my reward.

Well, you little demon, you can want all you want, you ain’t getting.

It’s taken most of the day to work this out but as soon as the penny drops the cravings ease.

I can do this.

I have a couple of days of work between Christmas and New Year that help keep things ticking over by keeping me occupied.

New Years eve I deal with by the simple expedient of going to bed early.

Why not? It’ll be great to wake up on 1 January 2026, no hangover, clear brain a new start to the new year. And most of the rest of the world will be talking Dry January and that’s going to help.