Assessments and tests.

So, I’d been given a green light to continue to drink.

So, I did, continue. I maintained my now usual habit until the following Sunday.

That Sunday was significant. I’ve already mentioned I had a rule about not drinking on Sunday nights that was generally, but not always, broken.

This Sunday, I broke it with interest and added ½ a bottle of malt whisky on top of the wine and vodka.

Monday morning was not fun.

I wake up 2 hours late, dehydrated, pounding head and certainly still drunk.

I login to work and can’t focus, concentrate or even comprehend anything.

My anxiety is spiking, I feel a failure and I’m struggling.

I message my immediate manager. We chat via Teams and I confess to my alcohol dependency and that I’m struggling. I let them know what steps I’ve taken already, that I’ve got assessments coming up with the addiction services, but that today is going to be a right-off.

Their reaction was superb.

No judgement, just concern for well being and recovery. They pull together a list of support services available through the business’ own staff support program and email it to me. They ask if I want to take the rest of the day?

I don’t, I’ve stuff to do, but it’ll take a bit longer.

I start to pull myself together. I take a small timeout, ½ an hour, to call the addiction service support line. My initial appointment is pulled forward 24 hours, best they can do. That’s a big help.

The support service is also concerned about suicidal ideation and ask the question, am I having any?

No, I’m not in a good place, but its because I want life, I want to live. Ending it hasn’t crossed my mind, but I’m worried that drinking will kill me.

I get through the rest of the day and that evening I don’t drink. I don’t sleep easily either, but I expected that.

Tuesday I’m feeling I’m in a better place. I get through my work with no wobbles and have another alcohol-free night. Sleep comes easier this time.

Wednesday.

I’m at the addiction services office. The nurse takes me through a series of questions about my drinking habits and how I came to self-refer. I answer the questions with complete candour. This service is here to help, but they can’t do so without the full picture.

Strangely, it crossed my mind, “Am I overreacting?” “Am I wasting these peoples time and effort?” “Am I really alcohol dependent?”

I keep these questions internalised.

The nurse is asking if I use anything other than alcohol.

No, nothing, never touched heroin, cocaine, amphetamines, benzodiazepines or ketamine.

Yes, I have smoked marijuana, but over two decades ago.

 Blood samples are collected; pin prick blood tests are undertaken along with a urine tests.

There’s a breathalyser as well.

No traces of other compounds and given it’s been well over 24 hours since I last had a drink the breathalyser is clear as well.

We discuss the dangers of stopping drinking abruptly. I’m aware of these already.

I broach another concern that’s been floating around in my head for a few months.

In early 2025 I dealt with a customer who was described as suffering from dementia.

There was a long conversation with this customer’s daughter who explained that their parent wasn’t suffering from classical dementia, but from Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome.

This had been brought about by unhealthy eating habits, no balanced diet, which was exacerbated by regular alcohol consumption. The daughter went on to explain that her parent was not eating properly and alcohol acts to block the absorption of vitamin B, specifically Thiamine, which the brain needs to get energy from the sugars in the blood. The chronic vitamin B deficiency caused her parent’s brain to become damaged resulting in confusion, memory recall problems, problems with decision making and planning.

After that conversation I read a long article on Wikipedia and other articles on the UK’s NHS website about Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome. Prior to this I had never heard of Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome.

It was an additional wakeup call and contributed to my eventual decision to seek help.

I explain to the nurse how I came across this risk and my concern. She arranges a vitamin B prescription at a higher does than you would get from over-the-counter supplements.

There’s also a referral for blood tests for liver function and other health screening tests made to my GP and I’m told I’ll hear soon from a support worker to have a one to one discussion about the next steps.

On the advice of it being okay to drink, this nurse tells me I should not change my drinking habits, rather than being told it’s okay to drink, slightly different message which hits differently, less of a green light. The nurse explains it as more “Look, we don’t want you to die because you stopped, we’ll talk about tailing off your alcohol consumption to a level where it’s safe to stop, how you can manage that and how we can support you. We can also discuss medications that can help.”

That night I have a bottle of wine and what feels like a solid night’s sleep.

Sleep

I’ll take another digression here. Alcohol really isn’t good for sleep. I knew this a long time ago, but again, like many of the negatives. I ignored this knowledge.

Alcohol interferes with the brains ability to enter REM sleep. In very broad-brush strokes of a layman, REM sleep is important for sorting through the day’s events, laying down long term memory, and mental health hygiene in general. Alcohol inhibits REM sleep, so you don’t get a proper night’s rest.

Thursday night, another bottle of wine.

Friday.

Friday is my usual night when I don’t have to make any excuse for drinking, in my head, I don’t have to justify drinking beyond, well, its Friday. The end of the week and I deserve a drink.

Similar irrationality is applied to Saturday as well.

Sundays are usually sabotaged by a little voice that whispers and prods and encourages breaking the rule. It’s insidious and difficult to ignore, so I give in more often than not.

This Friday I’m in reflective mood. I think about the first, shaky, tentative steps I’ve taken towards not drinking. I’ve had enough.

I know that not drinking will mean I will struggle to sleep. I also know from experience that by Sunday night, whilst it won’t be perfect, I’ll already be sleeping better and be in a better place to face work on Monday. But if I have a drink this Friday night, I’ll continue to drink for at least another week and what’s the point of that if I truly want to stop?

I’ve done a couple of nights alcohol free this week already and didn’t drink the usual volume on the nights I did drink.

I decide the time is now.

If I feel I’m at risk of withdrawal syndrome I’ll call 101, the NHS advice line. I’ll take the risk.

I don’t drink that Friday night.